Note: This article does not depict physical or sexual violence, but it does describe financial and emotional abuse within relationships.
Lisa Orban spent three years married to her abuser. In 1990, at age 20, she fled after he threatened to kill her and their two young children.
Her financial circumstances during the marriage? “Poor, in a nutshell,” she remembers.
Her husband was the primary earner and controlled the household finances.
“Anytime there was a possibility I might earn enough or earn more than him—or do anything to upset his financial dominance—he would step in and undermine it,” she said.
She lost several jobs because of his interference.
Orban had moved with him from her Illinois hometown to Arizona for college after obtaining a four-year scholarship to study psychology. Before she could enroll, he called the university and falsely claimed she’d decided to quit.
“Imagine my shock when I went to registration and discovered my scholarship was gone,” she said.
He even controlled the mailbox. He took her key—she assumed she’d misplaced it—and delayed replacing it. That interference had serious financial consequences.
“It wasn’t until after our divorce that I learned I had not repaid my student loan,” she said. The $4,000 loan eventually cost her $38,000 to satisfy.
The checks she believed were mailed were not, and missed payment notices from lenders never reached her.
He maintained control of the checking account.
He refused to let her drive the car alone.
He watched how much she earned and accompanied her to the bank to deposit paychecks.
He opened credit cards using her name.
By the time Orban left and filed for divorce, she was $80,000 in debt and had no idea.
What Is Financial Abuse?
According to a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report, about one in four women and one in ten men will endure severe intimate partner violence in their lifetime.
Domestic abuse can take many forms—physical, emotional, psychological, sexual—and it can also be financial. Often multiple types overlap, but not necessarily all of them.
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that 94 to 99% of those who experience violence also face financial abuse.
“Like other forms of abuse, financial abuse appears in many ways, but it’s fundamentally about control—power and domination,” said Casey Harden, General Secretary of World YWCA. “Imagine tightening the reins on the household’s finances so options become extremely limited.”
An abuser might exclude their partner from big financial choices, buy a home far beyond the family’s means, run up credit card debt without consent, lie about paying bills, or damage valuable possessions.
Many victims remain in abusive relationships because they lack financial resources to leave.
“Frequently the abuser makes the victim feel financially dependent—convinced they could not survive without the abuser’s support, that only because of the abuser do they have shelter and food,” said Michelle Kuehner, a domestic violence survivor who is now a financial adviser and author of The Money Diet blog.
If you’re trapped in a dangerous situation, consider this guidance from financial, legal and domestic-violence experts for leaving an abusive relationship when funds are scarce.
6 Steps to Prepare Your Finances Before Leaving
“The biggest challenge in an abusive relationship is regaining your independence,” Kuehner said.
That’s easier to state than to accomplish.
Beyond financial obstacles, the most hazardous time for an abused person is when they decide to leave.
That’s why before taking action, we recommend this first step:
1. Connect With a Victim Advocate
Advocates are trained and experienced in helping people plan safe, discreet exits. They can flag hazards and explain the major financial barriers you might encounter.
Ways to reach local advocates:
- Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY: 1-800-787-3224. The hotline can link you to nearby organizations.
- State coalitions can connect you with local advocates.
- Your local YWCA offers domestic-violence resources, including shelters and services nationwide.
You know your safety best, so trust your instincts, collaborate with an advocate, and only act when you feel secure.
2. Save Money
“Make sure you have liquid funds in an account solely in your name,” advised Allison Alexander, a financial adviser at Savant Capital Management. She also suggests holding credit cards in your own name.
Allstate’s financial empowerment program offers guidance for building a financial foundation, including potential loan sources.
If a loan is out of reach, explore alternative ways to secure funds your partner cannot access.
Creative ways to earn extra money include:
- 50 Side Jobs to Help You Make an Extra $500 or More This Month
- 10 Ways to Earn an Extra $100
- How to Make Money Fast: 35 Best Ways
- Skip the Payday Loan! 15 Smart Ways to Make Money in the Next 24 Hours
Watch for sudden inflows your partner is unaware of.
“Many survivors… wait for the tax refund, and that can be a helpful chunk to get started,” said Kim Pentico, director of the Economic Justice Program at the National Network to End Domestic Violence.
A work bonus can provide a similar lifeline.
You might be able to arrange with your employer’s human resources department to deposit part of your paycheck into a separate account automatically.
Catherine Scrivano, a Phoenix-based financial planner, says HR may also adjust withholding so you receive more take-home pay to save or invest.
3. Make Copies of Important Documents
Gather tax returns, bank and investment statements, mortgage or loan paperwork, car titles and pay stubs.
You can photograph these documents with your phone and email them to a trusted friend, or store them in a cloud account only you can access, such as Google Drive.
4. Cut Ties and Open a New Bank Account
Before opening your own account, Harden suggests getting a new mailing address—like a P.O. box—and an email address your partner doesn’t know.
Harden also recommends updating your bank account’s security questions if your partner has access to your joint accounts.
“A spouse of many years likely knows the answers to your security questions, especially if they’ve tried to learn them,” she said.
You can choose the security questions, so avoid defaults your partner may guess.
If possible, open separate accounts your partner doesn’t know about or cannot access.
“Remove your personal items from any jointly held safe deposit box,” Alexander advised. “Set up your own safe deposit box at a different bank and keep your financial papers and valuables there.”
5. Find a Financial Adviser
If you can afford one, hire a financial adviser who represents only you—not you and your partner together.
If that’s not possible, use your local library or domestic-violence organization for financial literacy classes, support groups and educational materials.
Even knowledgeable friends or family can help.
Pentico often tells survivors, “There’s probably someone in your life who understands money matters—reach out to them.”
6. Find an Attorney
If you plan to file for divorce, or you suspect your partner may, consult an attorney as soon as you can.
If legal fees are prohibitive or you don’t feel safe, a victim advocate can help you locate resources and legal assistance.
6 Steps to Rebuild Your Finances After Leaving
Orban didn’t have a detailed escape plan. Like many survivors, she fled impulsively.
“You look for an opening—a credit card left unattended, an unexpected check you can access, a holiday bonus your spouse doesn’t know about,” she said. “Those are the opportunities you seize.”
And then what?
Once you’re safe, the biggest financial challenge may be not knowing what liabilities you inherited.
Start by finding that out.
1. Get a Copy of Your Credit Report
If you’ve been stripped of financial control for years, you may not know your current standing. To craft a recovery plan, review your credit report first.
Do you have credit card balances?
Is there an unpaid mortgage in your name?
Any overdue medical bills?
Your credit report reveals these details.
How to obtain a free credit report:
Contact the three major credit bureaus for a free report from each. They are legally required to provide one free report every 12 months, and currently offer free weekly reports.
Begin at annualcreditreport.com. A banner explains the updated policy and offers a “request your free credit reports” button.
Your credit history can shape many aspects of your life.
Landlords, lenders and even some employers may check it when you apply for housing, loans, credit cards, or jobs. It can affect car rental rates, phone plans, and even insurance costs.
After you know what’s on your report, you can plan how to address it.
2. Identify and Work to Pay Off Lingering Debts
Your credit report lists the creditors you owe. Contact them directly to learn what must be done to resolve outstanding balances.
Scrivano emphasized that a divorce agreement alone doesn’t erase debts held jointly. Even if a decree assigns debt to your ex, creditors won’t necessarily honor it.
Reach out to creditors to determine what is legally and practically your responsibility.
To stop an ex from opening new accounts in your name, consider placing a 90-day fraud alert with the credit bureaus, which requires businesses to verify your identity before issuing credit.
Start a fraud alert here:
3. Create a New Budget
Harden recommends spending time “learning to budget for your new reality, whatever that looks like.”
Establish savings and investing habits to take charge of your finances rather than reacting to crises.
Orban rebuilt her budget through trial and error and kept meticulous records.
“I itemized my daily expenses and tracked income versus what I realistically needed to live,” she said.
Read these resources to learn budgeting basics:
- Learn all about budgeting.
- Learn how to start a budget.
- Get started with these free budget templates.
- Try one of these budgeting apps.
4. Rebuild Your Credit
Damaged credit isn’t permanent.
“My credit was harmed, so I focused on rebuilding it,” Kuehner said. “Secured loans were the easiest route. In about 18 months, my credit improved.”
Begin with a secured loan or a secured credit card.
These require a cash deposit that acts as collateral, allowing you to use a similar credit limit. Unlike debit cards, secured cards report activity to credit bureaus, helping you reestablish credit.
More tips for rebuilding credit:
- Understand the essentials of credit scores.
- Identity Theft Wrecked My Credit Score. Here’s How I Got It Back Above 700
- 7 Steps for Building Top-Notch Credit When You Haven’t Always Been Perfect
5. If You Need To, Find a New Job and Housing
If your abuser prevented you from maintaining employment, the impact may extend beyond that restriction.
“It can disrupt a work history,” Harden said.
If you’ve been out of the workforce, consider temporary or bridge jobs, seasonal work, or side gigs. These may not be permanent careers but can bring in immediate income.
“Local domestic-violence programs have partnerships with community resources. While they may not place people directly, they can connect you to organizations that do,” Pentico said.
Community colleges often help with job placement.
If you can temporarily stay with friends or family to save money, that may be a helpful strategy.
When you’re ready to rent on your own, look for ways to secure the best rental terms.
6. Prepare for Financial Success
Harden’s final step is to focus on long-term financial wellness.
What does a successful, thriving life look like for you? Is there a career to restart, a business to reclaim, or education to complete?
If you’re relying on family support, these 13 steps can help you become independent.
Emphasizing financial autonomy moves you from reacting to taking proactive control of your future.
And remember: you don’t have to repeat those mistakes.
“Being in a relationship—married or not—doesn’t require pooling every resource,” Kuehner said.
Early on, discuss splitting resources and financial responsibilities in a way that respects both partners.
Starting Over
Orban is now retired and has shared her story in writing.
Her memoir, “It’ll Feel Better When It Quits Hurting,” chronicles her life before she left her ex-husband.
Recovery—both emotional and financial—took time and effort. But a small realization one night helped her believe she could move forward.
“I realized I didn’t have to wait for time to heal everything. I could take steps and say, ‘I am in charge of my life now—me—and I can make these changes.’”
If you or someone you know needs assistance, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineto speak with an advocate or be connected with local resources: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) / TTY: 1-800-787-3224.
Contributor Dana Miranda is a Certified Educator in Personal Finance® who has written about work and money for publications including Forbes, The New York Times, CNBC, Insider, NextAdvisor and Inc. Magazine.
Deputy editor Tiffany Wendeln Connors updated this post.
