Our inaugural money conversation started over pad thai.
I was on a first proper dinner date — our real first outing had been playing shuffleboard — with a new fellow named Ian. When the bill arrived, I reflexively reached for my wallet and offered to split it. He waved off my offer with his Visa.
I felt a little awkward about my reverse chivalry. That had been my go-to with friends and previous partners for years. Had I crossed a financial boundary on one of our earliest dates?
Back in the car, Ian confessed he felt the opposite. Actually, he appreciated my lack of expectations.
It turned out his ex had been very focused on money — his money — and my small gesture sparked later discussions about our finances.
That was 2015, and it was just the start. Ian proposed last Christmas, and I accepted.
Now we’re having even larger conversations about our money and future while planning a wedding and honeymoon. We’ve even applied for our first joint credit card and are warming up to shared bank accounts.
5 Money Conversations That Brought Us Financially Together
At first, I wasn’t accustomed to speaking so directly about money. To me, money talks always required caution and came with a “do not enter” sign. My instinct was to proceed gently. Funny how that instinct flipped with one card swipe.
Below are some of the financial conversations we’ve had since the pad thai moment.
Are You a Spender or a Saver?
We didn’t discuss money much in the first six months of dating, but one thing became clear: He tended to save, and I tended to spend.
I found out his mother used to be an accountant, which likely influenced his saving habits. I, meanwhile, haven’t always managed money well. It’s taken sacrifice, determination and working through debt to build better habits. Even now, I slip up.
Our habits surfaced gradually when I happily announced I’d paid off a credit card, or when a package from a Shein splurge arrived at my door (coupons help) or from Amazon. Surprisingly, Ian didn’t lecture or shame me for spending. On the contrary, he agreed it’s okay to treat yourself occasionally, or a treat could turn into a binge.
His nonjudgmental response made me feel more at ease and less defensive about my expenditures.
The Awkward Salary Conversation
Over time, my splurges and his thriftiness evolved into conversations about how we handle money… and how much we earn.
After more than six months together and enough trust built, we felt ready to open up about these kinds of financial matters. Sure, talking pay can feel strange, but the moment felt right.
Side note: If your partner earns six figures, don’t let your jaw drop or use that info to expect them to always pay. And if they make less, be compassionate and foster a supportive, loving environment.
How Do You Handle Your Finances?
I had always paid my credit card on the due date. Ian, by contrast, made weekly $20–$40 payments that often exceeded the minimum.
“Why hadn’t I thought of that?” I wondered. I quickly adjusted how I paid off debt and appreciated that we were discussing money seriously and productively.
Within a year of dating, I took out a personal loan to consolidate some debt. I told Ian about it, but didn’t seek his approval. These weremyfinances. He supported me and admired my financial initiative.
Are We Truly Ready to Live Together?
Knowing each other’s incomes proved helpful when planning trips — and when contemplating living together.
Many friends had moved in with partners within a year for convenience or financial reasons.
We valued our independence but entertained the idea from a safe distance. When friends’ missteps arose in conversation, we used them as hypothetical scenarios to decide how we might handle similar situations, including splitting bills.
That speculation led to deeper talks about the big “D” word: debt. Let’s be honest, it’s much easier to talk about income than outstanding balances.
He knew about my loan, but not every detail. I knew about his student loans, but not every figure. It was evident that before moving in together, we needed to disclose everything.
And we did. Being transparent about our finances helped us figure out what we could realistically afford.
How Will We Divide the Bills?
By the time we moved in together after two years, we’d already created a divide-and-conquer approach to bills.Internet, HBO and the Ashley Furniture card are in my name, while electric, water and the Lowe’s card are in his.
We even considered hiring a cleaning service, which forced a conversation about whether it was worth the money and time saved. We agreed $20 each per week was a good compromise for both of us.
When we go out, I still offer to pay sometimes — and he lets me. He finds it appealing, though he pays for me far more than I do for him. Typically, I cover the inexpensive outings and he handles the splurges. Teamwork.
Future Money Chats: Advice From a 31-Year Marriage
I feel confident about our progress, but realistically, we still face countless complicated money conversations. We haven’t bought a house, combined all debts, or discussed children.
I reached out to Leslie Christon, my first boss out of college, for guidance on navigating this new financial terrain.
Leslie and her husband Ron likely possess more financial savvy than any couple I know. In 31 years of marriage, they’ve lived in four states, owned four homes, raised a son and worked a combined 10 jobs. They recently launched a restaurant, Chica’s Taco Bar, in Clearwater, Florida. And they’re still together. Can I get a “cheers” for that?
When they met, Leslie already owned a home and two vehicles: a sports car and a work truck.
“I think Ron appreciated my independence,” she said. “He didn’t have to shoulder everything himself.”
They didn’trequireone another financially. Instead, theychoseeach other.That established solid footing, letting them build trust and combine resources.
That gave me reassurance that Ian and I might be handling money reasonably well… maybe. Leslie offered additional tips about financial communication.
Share Your Vision for the Future
Leslie said she and Ron couldn’t have succeeded without shared values that simplified decision-making.
“When you recognize permanence in your relationship and plan to move forward together — whether cohabitating, marrying or having kids — you commit not only emotionally, but you commit financially, with honesty and transparency,” she explained.
They both wanted children, so they discussed everything from medical costs to college savings. They even started a general savings account for their son and used it to teach him saving by matching each dollar he deposited.
Being open about hopes and goals helped them sidestep many disputes because each understood the other’s expectations along the way.
Make Sure to Keep Each Other in the Loop
One of Leslie and Ron’s smartest moves happened unintentionally.
Because of shifting work schedules, they traded bill-paying duties. That swap gave each perspective on income and outflows. They now rotate who handles bills every couple of years as a practical habit.
Sharing passwords and security info makes this easier. Plus, there’s no anxiety over hidden cards or secret savings accounts.
This matters because, according to Go Banking Rates, financial secrecy is thetop money deal breaker for couples in the U.S.
But it isn’t all smooth sailing.
“We bicker like anyone,” Leslie admitted.
She says those disagreements typically arise when she shops or makes a large purchase without telling Ron — even if it’s for a trip or a gift for him.
(Note to Ian: I would never be upset if you bought me a vacation.)
Back Talk With Action
When Leslie considered opening a restaurant, she and Ron engaged in extensive conversation, forecasting and budgeting before taking the leap. They planned for every potential expense roughly a year before Chica’s Taco Bar opened in late 2017.
And Ron didn’t abandon his job while helping Leslie launch the business. He also agreed to tighten spending on non-essentials. They supported each other through both lean times and slower income periods.
The venture is succeeding, thanks to their careful planning and years of financial openness.
“We trust one another completely. I trust him with finances and he trusts me,” Leslie said.
What That First Money Conversation Taught Us
I often reflect on the pad thai moment and how it influenced our healthy money dialogue.
Ian said looking back, my gesture to pay signaled, “I’m all in with you — not because you provide, but because this is a partnership.”
From that point, we agreed the path to our financial future would be reciprocal, with each of us contributing fairly.
And we’ve been partners ever since.
Alex Morgan is a staff writer at Savinly. She hopes Ron and Leslie will adopt her and Ian by proxy. Kidding — she mostly wants to skip ahead to the honeymoon.
For more practical guidance on talking about money with your partner, check out our money talk resources.
