I’m not sure how to align my wife and me when it comes to money. I grew up in a frugal household where we saved most of the time and spent only on necessities. She, on the other hand, was raised to believe that if you want something, you should go ahead and buy it.
We both earn solid incomes, and I feel like we could be doing more to secure our long-term financial future. I’ve tried bringing it up, but she values the freedom to purchase things she wants within reason.
I believe if someone else explained how our spending habits influence our current financial standing and our future, we’d both feel better about making changes. This has been a persistent issue for me, and I’m not sure how to fix it.
-A.
Dear A.,
There will always be readers who wonder, “Why didn’t you address this before marriage?” But you probably did, at least to some degree.
After you settle into married life, though, it becomes clearer how closely your finances are linked and where the gaps appear. What once seemed minor can become a recurring source of tension.
When couples talk about money, it’s easy to get bogged down in the mechanics of budgets and spreadsheets without digging into the values beneath those choices. Your upbringing shapes a lot of your money habits, but it’s only one piece of the puzzle.
Childhood lessons can reveal how you typically handle cash, but they don’t always explain why you cling to those habits instead of evolving them as an adult.
If you carry forward patterns from your youth, take a moment to examine the reasons behind them — and avoid slipping into autopilot. Saying, “This is how I was raised, so it must be right,” doesn’t really address whether it’s the best fit for your life now.
Going a layer deeper can move you beyond simply making sure bills are paid and toward understanding the core values and priorities that shape your financial decisions.
Neither of your money styles is inherently incorrect. The issue is that you don’t see eye to eye on how to strike the balance between saving and spending. Right now you’re on opposite ends of the spectrum, but are there any financial objectives you both support?
Start by identifying one or two shared goals to concentrate on together, rather than trying to reach total agreement on every financial choice. That might involve surrendering some smaller battles — or choosing to separate certain accounts. Not every pair merges every account or divides every expense evenly.
It could be simpler to honor her wish for independence and your wish for security — if those are indeed the forces motivating each of you — by rethinking how much you’ve blended those priorities.
If you’d like outside perspective on a sticky money situation, consider reaching out to resources such as husband spends too much for practical guidance and examples of how other couples handle similar conflicts.
