I know exactly what we need to do to catch up and get ahead on bills, debt and our emergency fund, and I also know the steps to take. My obstacle is my husband.
I can’t seem to make him grasp the seriousness of our finances or be disciplined enough to change his spending habits. I’ve made lists, shown him the facts, and reminded him that small costs — subscriptions, fees, late charges and overdrafts — quickly add up.
I’ve demonstrated what we could have bought or paid off if we hadn’t wasted money on silly fees. I’ve tried to explain that groceries for the family should take priority over cable or similar luxuries, but nothing seems to shift his mindset or his spending.
I know I’m not the only one facing this annoying dilemma. Any suggestions?
-A.
Dear A.,
You probably feel like you’re speaking to a brick wall every time you bring up money — a very costly wall at that.
It sounds like you’ve done many of the right things: laying out evidence and making the case for trimming expenses. Since those efforts aren’t landing, it may be time to pull back and try a different tactic.
When you talk money with your husband, do you ask questions or do you mostly march in with spreadsheets and directives?
Start the next conversation with something like, “I know we’ve discussed saving before, and you probably remember I have a bunch of ideas about how we could do it. But I want to hear from you: What are your money priorities?”
Even if this topic has come up dozens of times, approaching your husband with genuine curiosity and a desire to understand can reset the tone and open a more productive dialogue.
The replies may surprise you. He might say he values cable because it means fewer nights out, for instance. Or he may admit he wants to stop getting hit with a particular late fee but doesn’t know how to set up autopay without feeling overwhelmed — something many people’ve struggled with.
You may find some of his reasons frustrating or think his priorities are misplaced. That doesn’t make his perspective invalid. Exploring his viewpoint can reveal areas where you agree and others that may be harder to change.
Emphasizing the “why” is just as important as the “how.” If you both aren’t on the same page about your savings goals, you’ll clash when trying to implement changes.
Once you share a common goal, you can rethink a financial plan that works for your household. He might be open to letting you handle the accounts and subscriptions if he lacks the patience to micromanage them.
But as the one eager to take action, you won’t be able to move forward effectively until you uncover what motivates — and what discourages — your husband.
If you’d like a practical step, consider introducing small, tangible experiments: agree to cancel a subscription for a month and track how it feels, or set up a trial autopay for one recurring bill together. Small wins can build momentum.
Also, you may find it helpful to read resources about couples and finances to get ideas for language and frameworks that have helped others. If his spending stems from habit or frustration, framing changes as teamwork rather than corrections can reduce defensiveness.
And if conversations keep stalling, you might propose a short meeting each month to review finances together — with a calm agenda and no finger-pointing. It turns the topic into a routine task rather than a battle.
Have a complicated money question? Write to Dear Penny and you may see your question addressed in a future column.
Lisa Rowan is a personal finance authority and senior writer at Savinly, and the writer behind Dear Penny.
