He has no health coverage and hasn’t seen a doctor in ages. He powers through a lot of pain.
Not long ago he lost a job because technology outpaced his skills. He found another, as he always does, but it requires long days in the heat and further wears down his already tired body.
He lives with his wife and her mother. His wife has a disability, and his mother-in-law suffers from dementia.
He’s never asked me for help before, but after the most recent job loss he reached out. I helped him. How could I refuse? I’m the only person he can turn to.
It’s painful to watch him in such distress, strapped for cash and feeling discarded by society. He promised to repay me, but I told him to treat it like a Father’s Day present.
I’m concerned this will recur. As he grows older, technology will continue to leave him behind, and the responsibility may fall on me. I’m planning my future, saving for retirement and hoping to start a family soon.
When do I say no? When do I say yes? How do I assist him? Should I help him? Can I refuse the man who raised me and has worked so hard to get by?
Sincerely,
A Compassionate Daughter
Dear Compassionate Daughter,
This is the nightmare many of us face when our parents age, isn’t it?
About 40 million adults act as family caregivers in some form, according to an AARP study, and roughly 25% of those caregivers are millennials. As our parents age, it becomes harder to avoid confronting difficult choices on their behalf.
But discussions about health declines and financial strain aren’t easy to bring up around the dinner table. Parents often resist talking to their grown children about worst-case scenarios. It’s tough for people who’ve always been providers to ask for help.
That’s why it stings even more when they wait until they’re in a real bind to come to you.
It’s time for a candid conversation about money.
Call your dad and schedule a time when you can talk privately — maybe over sandwiches. Let him know in advance that you want to discuss finances and planning for his future. Being direct signals that you’re addressing the issue head-on. If you ambush him mid-meal, he’ll likely feel caught off guard.
This shouldn’t be a lecture. Treat it as an information-gathering session. Tell your dad, “I know finances are tight, and as I’m planning my own financial future, I also want to consider yours.”
Then ask lots of questions.
Does he have any savings? Has he put money aside for you or your siblings long ago? Does he have outstanding debt? What are his regular monthly bills? Does he have a will? Is there life insurance for him, his wife or his mother-in-law? What financial worries keep him up at night? What concerns does he face when job hunting?
The answers probably won’t be comforting, but the discussion will get the two of you talking. This isn’t the time for “I told you so” comments or “Why did you that?” judgments. This is about asking questions and learning. This first, painful talk will lay the groundwork for planning your financial future together in whatever form you choose.
You don’t have to commit immediately to providing ongoing monetary support. Remember that your time can be just as valuable while he navigates this stage of life.
A few resources that might help as you decide next steps:
Once he turns 65, your dad will qualify for Medicare. In the meantime, his limited income could make him eligible for Medicaid. Securing health coverage can relieve a major source of stress for your family.
The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau’s retirement calculator can help show what Social Security benefits your father might receive at different ages. Sit down and use the calculator with him, since he’s not comfortable with technology.
Locate your local Area Agency on Aging and learn about its services. This agency can connect your family to resources for insurance and healthcare, transportation and other nearby supports. It’s also a trusted source to help your dad spot and avoid financial scams that target older adults.
You don’t need a sweeping plan to rescue your father’s finances right away. But by gathering as much information as possible about his situation, you can choose the best way to help — whether that means dipping into your own funds, finding outside assistance, or offering time and advocacy.
If you want more guidance, send your question or concerns to letters@savinly.com, and I’ll do what I can to help.
Disclaimer: Selected questions and answers may appear in Savinly’s “Dear Savinly” column. I can’t reply to every letter. We reserve the right to edit and publish submissions. Your identity will remain anonymous. I do not hold a psychology, accounting, finance or legal degree, so my guidance is for general informational purposes only. I promise to offer sincere advice grounded in personal experience and practical insight.
Robin Hayes is a senior writer at Savinly.
Also consider reading dear penny im pregnant and need financial help for additional perspectives and resources.
