When Krista and Danny crossed paths, Krista was living in Baltimore and working as a teacher’s aide. Her pay was modest. She relied on food stamps to make ends meet, and she hadn’t put a dime toward her $40,000 in private and federal student loan balances in years.
Danny worked as a financial aid counselor. So it’s no shock that their conversation eventually turned to her mountain of debt.
By the end of that first outing, Danny had already given Krista the push she needed to call one of her lenders and make a payment over the phone.
“I just felt isolated, but then, having met Danny, I just didn’t feel that way anymore,” Krista told host Anna Sale in a recent episode of the podcast “Death, Sex & Money.” “It stopped becoming my identity, and it started just becoming something that… can be controlled but doesn’t control me, and that was a huge revelation.”
Yes, this happened on their very first date. No, that’s not strange. In fact, Sale described it as “the most beautiful, sweet thing,” and I’m inclined to agree.
We’ve all been taught that to keep conversations polite, we should avoid talking about money.
And when it comes to first dates, many people stick to that unspoken rule even more rigidly.
If you subscribe to that mindset, you probably wouldn’t enjoy a date with me — because I steer the chat straight toward finances. (While we’re at it, we might also touch on religion and politics.)
Reconsidering that crush you assumed you had on me? No worries. Don’t invite me out. But give me a minute before you dismiss the idea. I have evidence to back this up.
You and Your Partner Might Not See Money the Same Way
The Cashlorette, a blog run by Bankrate analyst Sarah Berger, carried out a survey about attitudes toward money and dating last month.
On some subjects, men and women were fairly aligned. For instance, men estimated a first date should cost $89.94 on average. Women guessed it should be a little less at $83.97.
The poll found that 85% of men felt it was their duty to cover the bill for a first date. That fits with only 8% of women saying they expected to pay the entire tab themselves. (To defend ourselves, 37% of women reported they’d expect to split the check.)
Unfortunately, other money-related differences can create friction.
According to the survey, 51% of people who are married or cohabiting said they’d argued about money at some point in their relationship.
Of those who fought about finances, 59% said the conflict began because one partner believed the other was either overspending or being far too stingy.
Another 16% of couples who argued over money said the dispute started when someone lied about their expenditures, while 14% said arguments arose over how to divide household bills.
While you won’t learn everything about your new beau’s fiscal habits in a single conversation on your first date, a handful of well-chosen questions can help you avoid committing long-term to someone whose money style clashes with yours.
Don’t Bluntly Ask ‘Are You Wealthy?’
I’m… direct. When I’m not careful, the thoughts that pop into my head tumble out of my mouth.
That happened recently with a man I encountered at a bar while out with friends. He went on and on about moving to Florida after receiving a massive raise at his new job and how he now earns far more than he used to.
He brought it up, so I blurted the question everyone was probably thinking: “Are you rich?”
This wasn’t a date. This wasn’t someone I was trying to pursue romantically. It was just someone I’d just met. I shouldn’t have to spell it out, but if you’ve never discussed money on a first date and want to start, this is not the approach to take.
Instead, weave it into the conversation casually and ask things that let you draw reasonable conclusions about your date’s financial habits.
For instance, ask if your date enjoys traveling. If they do, look for specifics.
If they rattle off a long list of countries and cities they’ve visited, you know they like spending on experiences — but that alone won’t reveal their overall spending tendencies.
Follow up to determine whether those trips were work-related or for pleasure. Ask where they stayed. Do they opt for hostels at $20 a night on backpacking adventures? Or are they the kind to splurge $300 a night on luxury hotels for weeklong getaways?
Just like that, a casual travel chat can give you clues about how your potential partner allocates money. Then compare that to your own habits to see if you might end up among the 51% of couples who argue about finances.
And that’s only one tactic. Is your date into music? Ask about concerts or festivals. Did they say they’re a foodie? Find out whether they enjoy cooking at home or have somehow sampled every restaurant in the city since moving in.
As you go on more dates and grow more at ease, you can probe with more direct questions to confirm your first-date impressions. It’s informative, and it doesn’t have to be awkward.
Desiree Stennett (@desi_stennett) is a staff writer at Savinly. She’s also single, so it’s possible she’s off the mark. Either way, she’ll see you on Tinder. Happy swiping.
