My 20-year-old son had been living independently for about a year when some HUGE roommate drama forced him to move back home. Before coming back, he’d been having money troubles, and I lent him roughly $2,000 — none of which has been repaid.
Since he returned, we’ve established this is temporary and that he needs to get his finances in order to move out again. He’s been paid twice while living here and managed to spend every penny both times!
I’m trying to be supportive, but he treats it like nagging, rolling his eyes, which frustrates me. How can I help him without it turning into a major battle? I don’t want to have to force him to leave, but he’s been here a month, eating free meals and hasn’t saved anything! Are there books, online courses, or support groups you can recommend?
– Wanting My Guest Room Back
I get it — you were looking forward to being an empty nester and now he’s back under your roof. It’s jarring.
At 20, he’s still young enough that a boomerang return is pretty common. Some reports even suggest adolescence stretches into the mid-20s now. So take a deep breath.
The safety net you’ve provided, both financially and with a roof over his head, may be uncomfortable for both of you in the short term, but it could prevent much worse financial fallout later. You’d rather have him owe you $2,000 at age 20 than come back at 29 owing $14,000, wouldn’t you?
Consider how you’ve been helping him — have you mostly lectured, or asked questions? He likely came home to escape both money stress and roommate conflict and may still be decompressing. Now is the time for a gentler approach — much gentler. Ask him what his next steps look like or where he hopes to be in six months. The responses might surprise both of you.
Have that conversation — ideally over pizza — and map out a plan together. If he intends to stay for a while, he should contribute to household costs and start repaying his debts slowly. If he wants to leave, worries about coming up with a security deposit or his outstanding debt to you might be keeping him from asking for guidance.
You won’t truly reclaim your guest room unless you create a shared roadmap; otherwise you’ll always be anxious about another setback and his possible return.
Your struggling young adult may benefit from a simple checklist of money tasks for people in their twenties. For a budgeting framework that won’t bore him senseless, suggest the 50/20/30 plan, which breaks spending into three flexible buckets: essentials, financial goals, and personal spending.
He’s only 20. He needs a practical plan and someone he trusts to help him build it. Yes, his eye-rolling may make you want to lose your temper, but if you can set aside your own irritation and assumptions for a while, he may soften too. That would be a meaningful first step.
Have an awkward money situation? Send it to [email protected].
Disclaimer: Selected questions and responses may appear in Savinly’s “Dear Penny” column. I can’t reply to every submission (I type at a finite speed!), and we reserve the right to edit and publish your letter. Your identity will be kept anonymous. I do not hold degrees in psychology, accounting, finance, or law — my guidance is for general informational purposes only. I will, however, offer candid advice drawn from personal experience and practical insight.
