It’s typical for partners in relationships to have contrasting attitudes about money. One person may lean toward spending while the other prefers to save.
Even though this is common, minor disputes about money management can accumulate over time, especially once you recognize that you and your partner may handle finances in subtly (or not-so-subtly) different ways. Regardless, those differences will eventually need attention.
When you reach that point, the following suggestions can help both of you manage your finances effectively despite differing monetary perspectives.
Recognize That Money Beliefs Form Early
Your financial habits as an adult often trace back to lessons learned in childhood, says Jessica Small, a licensed marriage and family therapist and premarital counselor with Growing Self Counseling and Coaching.
“Upbringing likely has the biggest influence on a person’s financial style,” Small says. “A large portion of our money beliefs are shaped by the messages we received as children and how money was discussed in our families.”
Allana Pratt, an intimacy coach, relationship specialist, and host of “Intimate Conversations,” adds that early money-related experiences create an emotional framework that affects financial behavior later on. Those early lessons might come from receiving praise for saving an allowance or from limiting ambitions because you grew up with limited means.
Action Step for Couples: Set aside time to discuss how money was handled in each of your families of origin. Explore how your partner’s financial upbringing — and your own — shapes your current money approaches. This conversation can illuminate the underlying reasons for your money beliefs.
Accept That Finances Are Tied to Emotions
It’s crucial to understand that money isn’t just numbers on paper, says Small. How you deal with money really comes down to how you feel about it, since emotions are often bound up with finances.
“We observe how our parents or caregivers spent money, their feelings about it, and how they argued about money to understand the value it held,” she explains. “If we grow up in an environment where anxiety is the predominant emotion around money, we start to link anxiety with finances. Sometimes people repeat what they saw, and other times they consciously choose the opposite.”
Small notes that because feelings are so entwined with money, she asks couples struggling with financial issues one key question: “What does money mean to you?”
That question matters because our associations with money typically drive our financial choices. For instance, someone who equates money with security may prioritize saving to feel protected. Conversely, someone who associates money with freedom might spend on travel, independence, or desired possessions.
“Once we grasp an individual’s values around money, it becomes easier to empathize with their saving or spending patterns and to find common ground,” she says.
Action Step for Couples: Discuss what money represents to each of you personally, and consider how those feelings influence how you manage shared and separate finances.
Have “The Talk” Sooner Rather Than Later
Many couples discover they have different financial priorities during major life changes like marriage, parenthood, job loss, buying a house, caregiving for an elder, or planning for retirement.
Ideally, you’d be aligned financially before encountering these big transitions to reduce stress, but that doesn’t always happen. Still, it’s never too late to start the financial conversation.
Action Step for Couples: Small suggests asking one another the following questions:
- Do you both use and adhere to a budget?
- How do you each feel about carrying credit card balances?
- What are your views on having debt in general?
- What would you do if you suddenly received a large sum (inheritance, lottery, etc.)?
- What do you consider the most important thing to spend money on? (e.g., experiences, possessions, housing, food, charitable giving)
- Do you want to combine bank accounts—if you already do or don’t, should that be re-evaluated?
- What do you believe is the best strategy for saving for retirement?
Don’t Underestimate How Money Impacts All Areas of Life
When you’re partnered, your financial habits and mindset will touch nearly every aspect of your shared life.
“If you don’t talk about money—your relationship to it, your saving and spending patterns, or how you invest—then you may start making subtle judgments about one another, which can grow into resentment. You can be blindsided by a partner’s decision and take it personally, when what was really needed was a set of conversations and agreements about how you’ll earn, save, spend, give, and invest,” Small explains.
Both experts emphasize that avoiding money conversations can lead to resentment, anger, anxiety, and broken trust—all of which wear down relationships over time.
They also note that financial conflict can spill into other parts of the relationship, including intimacy.
“When someone feels stressed or anxious about finances or a partner’s spending, it diminishes the emotional safety and closeness needed for a healthy sexual connection,” Small says.
Action Step for Couples: If you’re encountering problems in different areas of your relationship, don’t discount the possibility that finances are contributing.
Begin Small — and Get Help When Necessary
Couples who disagree about money often start avoiding looking at or discussing their financial situation, Small notes.
As you might expect, avoidance is a strategy that will eventually fail.
Starting is often the toughest part, so she recommends some straightforward steps to get going:
- Start with a budget. “To gain a sense of control, we have to know what’s going on,” she says. Sit down together and list everything: income, expenses, cash flow, debts, and savings. Then build a budget you can both agree to follow.
- Use technology. There are many budgeting methods, so find one that fits your needs. Many apps, such as Mint, can help you stay organized and aligned.
- Plan a weekly “money meeting.” Regular short meetings ensure you set aside time to review your budget, upcoming bills or income, and unexpected costs. These sessions help maintain open communication about spending and finances.
- Consider couples therapy. Therapy can help you both explore your money beliefs and develop tools for handling tough conversations. “My rule of thumb is if you think it might help, that’s sufficient reason to go,” Small advises. “If you’re contemplating professional help, seek it.”
Action Step for Couples: Book your first “money meeting” within the next week to review your finances together. Remember that your financial life influences everything, so treating it as a vital part of your relationship is essential.
And don’t hesitate to enlist professional support to bolster your partnership—every strong team sometimes needs a coach.
Chaunie Brusie is a contributor to Savinly.
